I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
