I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
