i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
