How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
