Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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