Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
