She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
please don't ironically join a cult
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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