you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
smell my finger.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
