Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
