Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
