My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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