I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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