Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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