I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I wish there were birth control emojis
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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