I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
