I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
