There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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