so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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