I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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