I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if only i could text you this smell
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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