textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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