smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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