don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize