my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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