Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
