I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
