My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i will never coherently bang her
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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