Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
