You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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