smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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