Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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