If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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