I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
