are you still at the devil's house?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
