I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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