i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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