I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
