Buhtt sex?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
