I feel great
I just peed on a car
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
