I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
