his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
