This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
