you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
