i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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