I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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