If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
