the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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