I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
