When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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