if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
