I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize