Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
