hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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