i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
