peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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